I don't think I have anything interesting to write today but that's how all of my blog posts start. I haven't felt creative or productive in a few weeks and it's really been killing my motivation. Even if this stays saved locally and never published, it feels good to write a bit for myself right now. I'm smiling as I write this because that's so self-congratulatory for such a simple little act and I really really really want to be condescending to myself, but I will resist the urge! Instead, I will simply be self-deprecating. I have a terrible poem to share but I'll save that for later.
Today, Friday, I had my first drink since last Sunday. It wasn't difficult to make it the 5 days sober. I had a few cravings here and there, in the quiet moments when usually I am either stuck with myself or enjoying the companionship a bottle brings. That might be a bit melodramatic, but it's not mistaken. My drinking, like much of the country, has skyrocketed during the pandemic. I took the month of January off, then I started daily drinking right back where I left off. I noticed it was really bad last week, without a day going by that I didn't have a drink. So, I decided to take the week to myself. It didn't have the desired consequences if I'm being honest. At the start of 2020 I was in the worst place I had ever been in, and alcohol was a big part of that. I stopped drinking that January, and it left me fresh, renewed, and happy for what felt like the first time in a long time. I did the same thing this year and I felt no better than I did in December.
Now, that's a massively privileged statement. I have a loving partner, a satisfying job with good hours, and the pandemic has really cut back my spending so that an AmeriCorps budget isn't difficult. It's impossible to have such a dramatic shift in mood like I did last year because I'm no where near as low. But still, I'm disappointed by the results of my sobriety. I want to be more interested in my hobbies, my career, and my job than I have been. I want to be in better shape. But yet I spend my evenings lounging around when I have so much work to do. I want to point at the slow depressing winter we are just now crawling out of, but I don't think covers the whole situation. I don't know what the whole situation is. Writing about my mental health always helps though, putting these words down is sometimes the only way I can reflect critically on my actions, my behavior, my life. Maybe I'll get on my bike today.
Anyway, here's wonderwall.
One day,
I will look up at the sunset and feel nothing.
I will not feel anger over injustice.
I will forget the words to my favorite song.
One day,
I will not leave.
I will not laugh.
I will not be sad.
One day I will look at your face and not smile.
On that day I will cease to be me.
Until then, I will hold onto these moments.
Cherishing the happiness,
the sadness,
and everything in between.
Smiling, at the beauty of a sunset.